Sunday's Spaghetti..

There is a book called men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Basically the point of the book is that a man compartments all areas of his life seperatley. All things are sperate and nice and neat, not touching or running through eachother. They even have a nothing compartment, and yes it is true, men can sit and think about absolute nothing..I've seen my own husband do it!

Well so I guess you can see where I am going with women and spaghetti. Our whole lives our intertwined and run in , out, over and under eachother. One thought on one subject leading and connected to another thought/experience completely unrelated, however they are connected..lol Geez no wonder I feel ADD and always on the"think"..lol

Well as a wife and a mother to 5 wonderful kiddos a lot can happen in a week. I thought it would be fun to try and designate Sunday Spaghetti day and just with no intentional rhyme or reason empty my last weeks thoughts/experiences.

I really love to write but sometimes it is overwhelming to do so when there is so much going on in there. So my hope is is that on Sunday I can reflect and just blah this last week and be able through the week dive deeper into individual thoughts or experiences from Sundays post through the week.

So here it goes.......
Waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air was a very scary and traumatic event. The only other time in my life I was fearful I would die was when I was 15 years old and being wheeled into the OR for open heart surgery.Tthe differencewas then I did not have 5 children and a husband. The will to live is a very powerful thing to experience while feeling so out of control of the situation.

Emergency surgery and them taking me so quickly so I was alone waiting to be taken away, leaving my babies and my husband in  the middle of the night, again the fear I experienced was so overwhelming,I kept praying and praising.What else could i do??

Seeing my husbands face coming out of surgery, I knew it didnt go well but I did know I was alive and that felt good. Elisa was with him, she looked so scared. Going in and out of conscouness all I could think about was the way she looked and her being afraid. Chris being alone to take care of 5 kids, the house, house schedule, house chores, activities. Commitments I was not going to be able to make, how was all this going to work out.

The baby, the baby, the baby, it was so hard to be away from him while him being so little and needing me. The painful reminder of that everytime I felt pain from engorgement or had to pump. Calling on the phone and hearing him fuss in the background. It was all so hard, and other times calling and hearing him laugha nd coo, just as hard.

Coming home earlier then I should of because I needed to be near them, ending up back in the hospital hours later. Further upsetting and adding more fears to my little Elisa. God showing up in all many ways through out this experience. He was there for me in that OR room when I was 15 yrs old too.

enduring the tests, the pain, the why me why now moments. Regrets of all the burgers and fries I've eaten over the years, not being the once actvie girl I once was before having kids. In those gasping moments outside my front door waiting for the ambulance, floods of all the mistakes or the should of could of's as a wife, mother, friend. Missed opportunities to give my husband and children my undivided love and attention..

will any of this make an impact? will anything change once the experience of this wares off? did i really learn anything? or will I slowly fade back into repeating those missed moments and old ways that flashed before me with regret.

Chris left for pittsburgh he will be gone 5 days, then home 1-2 days then flies back out to indiana for work...I miss him, he works so hard and many hours for our family, it often times seems so unfair..

Andrew will be coming home for a visit this weekend, he is driving up with my sister Amya nd my mom. He will go back to Arizona with my sister Amy and my mom will be staying through April to help me at home. It is her birthday dn my sisters bday, I can't wait to see them. I miss Andrew very much. Have a big surprised planned for my moms birthday and cant wait to giver her her gift on Thursday.

Elisa is opening up and talking, need to keep talking with her, reassuring her and help her to heal from this experience.

Take one day at a time, it will take time for me to physically heal. So many activities that keep our family busy will be on hold. Why is it the laproscopy wasn't successful? Did God allow the open surgery to get my attention, is there a purpose for this down time. I need to talk to God and I want to hear what he wants to tell me...I keep telling God I want to live my life for him BUT I am so busy..Im not saying God intended or planned this circumstance, however, I do know that he can and will turn all circumstances for His good.

This is my chance to seek Him..to hear Him..to grow closer to Him..If anything good comes from this last week, it is this.

From the Inside Out,
Chrystal