Thursday, May 5, 2011

I'm crying "UNCLE!!"

Today is the perfect storm for one horrible day for a stay at home mom whos husband works 2 full time jobs clocking in atleast 90 hours a body wouldnt cooperate to get the kids to school, so everyone is home, we have our yearly inspection tomorrow and painting still needs to be done, both yards, computer room and all regular chores on top of that. every time i get something started I have to stop for 40 minutes to feed the baby. Life today is on high speed on the treadmill and I am about to fly off.

i am so overwhelmed I cant stop crying, i keep asking God to please help me, most of the stuff that needs to be done is stuff i shouldnt be doing as i am still healing. I am so frustrated at my body, my children and my husband..and its none of thier faults. Chris will probably sleep till 5 then goes back to bed around 8-9 because he has to be up at 2am. he literally only has two 1/2 days off a week because one job he still works untill 12-1pm. the only two days off in the week that his second job is closed he works all day both days at his day full time job.

the house at only 1600square feet seem like a mansion, it is too overwhelming, and that doesnt even include the landscape of the front, backa nd side yard. I feel some rooted resentment because the last two years I have wanted to down size and ultimately hubby made the decision to stay and after pleading my only choice is to support his decision. Part of me really feels this is so short sided and selfish because he hates moving and hates change. Now we are stuck again for another 11 months and today it just feels like forever and it will never end. as long as we live where we live he has to work both jobs at full time. he said the house is worth it, to me it is not.

I feel stuck and trapped. I just want to quit and run..but i have learned by now there is no point, it will all be waiting for me to take care of when i come back. part of me wants to fail the inspection so they ask us to leave..but I would have to inflict damage to house in order for that to happen. Not going to ask us to leave because i didnt have the carpet cleaned yet. I have to figure out how to move forward and just get things done.

i love my husband but i feel so disconnected and unbalanced with him right now, I wasnt wired to be husband and father on top of being a wife and a mother. It has been a long 4 years and i dont know how much more i can take. i know this is just a build up of many things all at once and once awhile stuff really hits the fan and snowballs. We are at the end of the snowball and that point is always the hardest to overcome.

Chris is a great provider, he does what ever he needs to do, but what he doesnt understand is that i need a husband and the kids need a father. that need right now is so much more greater then our financial need.

there is a blog i follow and hers was at the top when i logged in, it was titled Thankful that is what I pray for today, is that God will help me to see what there is to be thankful for today in the midst of the chaos in the lee household today.

From the Inside Out,

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