I shared in a previous post I was struggling..well since that post my symptoms have slowly gotten worse. I knew a couple of weeks ago but I really just wanted to give myself more time and give God more time. In the last week or so I have seen it effect everyone else in the house one by one.
My sweet full of life Elisa doesn't want to get showered or dressed, not even wanting to leave the house. She just wants to lay on the couch watching high school musical over and over. Not eating as well as she usually does and she seems to just cry over everything..(sounds familiar)
My sweet giving Ryleigh who is always making and creating things to give has been "taking" things. her teacher contacted me and said she was being told by other parents that Ryleigh was taking items from their kids. Her teacher said this just started to happen just recently, we know this isn't in Ryleigh's character and she was concerned about what might be going on with her. Ryleigh also seems to be more emotional and angry then she usually and is having wild screaming fits that just break my heart.
Brendan seems to be OK other then the fact he doesn't want to be at home, he wants to be very helpful then he wants to split..don't blame him..with all this craziness I don't want to be in this house either. (you should see it)
Andrew is just well..busy trying to take advantage of the situation trying to get away with anything he can, which is adding a lot of conflict and anger to the mix.
Hubby has gone from feeling bad for me and excepting of what I am going through to now resentful and angry about it. I guess its time to get my act together to put it simply..its how he has made me feel anyways. I am not angry with him, He couldn't help me if he wanted to. He is working two full time jobs and barely has time to feed and shower himself let alone get any sleep. I married an uncomplicated man on purpose, someone who likes things simple..well sometimes that can backfire, cause when things get complicated he gets upset about it and doesn't want to deal with it and avoids the giant elephant in the room and I am left alone feeling abandoned to deal with it somehow.
I feel so inadequate and crazy. At times I am alert and "feel" normal and quite capable, at other times I feel like my brain is clouded...numb and not part of this world. Majority of the other time I can't stop crying and I am so overwhelmed by emotions I cant even tell you which ones, its like they are all blended together and my brain can't process what I am feeling or why..EMOTION OVERLOAD!
A couple of days ago I started having these thoughts and visions just pop into my head for no reason. Triggering panic and anxiety feelings about the baby being hurt in an accident. I remember that is how it started with Brendan, after a few more weeks it led into me hurting the baby in those thoughts and visions, I never acted on it but I was full of anxiety and fear and not wanting to be left alone with the baby. I didn't know what was wrong with me and was full of guilt and shame, I eventually overcame the fear of telling someone and got help. I have been treated with each pregnancy since then except with CJ.
My relationship has grown with God so much since then, I just know I can trust God and that He is faithful..So a couple of weeks ago when I knew deep down it just wasn't the baby blues I pushed it back, 1. God was going to get me through this and 2. I didn't want to take the medicine. I recently read a fellow blogger who talked about how she knew the medicine helped her and she needed it and her struggles about why she didn't want to take it. God was trying to speak to me but I was determined I just needed a little more time to get better.
After that I read a devotion from Oswald talking about how there are those who need to hear from God through others till they can go directly to God for themselves, I realized I am still in that area of growth, I don't always rely on others to experience God and what he says, not like I use to in the beginning, but I still do at one time or another, especially when I am avoiding Him.
Yesterday Pastor Gary opened a series called "Turning Pain into Purpose", he shared and God spoke to me through Him, probably cause He knew I would really be listening. I was able to admit why I didn't want to take the medicine. I thought if I did I would let God down and that I wasn't really trusting Him. I came away from that service feeling validated and with peace about what to do. He just didn't use Pastor Gary either, he used a dear sweet sister in Christ, wendy to talk to me.
He explained God designed our bodies to alert us when something is wrong with it. My body has been waving a big giant red flag that something is wrong. Jesus used many different ways to heal people even though He could of just spoke it, heck just thought it every time and it would have been done. God wants me to be well and healthy and to trust him with my life, He loves me and taking medicine for a short time that will help me doesn't undermine or void any of that If Jesus could use mud to heal, he can choose to use a pill too!
Pastor Gary was right, avoiding the warning signs and alerts of any kind of pain just brings worse pain..I ignored the right thing to do because I doubted how God would feel about it, which where lies and the pain just didn't increase in me but spread to the rest of my family and caused them pain.
I go to my postpartum check up tomorrow and will get the help I need so that I can be healthy and my family can be healthy too. I encourage you, if you have any pain in your life, Trust God and seek help.
Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on "my" own understanding..
From the Inside Out,
Chrystal
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