Monday, February 7, 2011

One good cry after another..

I was hoping when I got the chance to blog it would be a praise report about my oldest son and I. Instead I need to blog about today.

No matter what I tried to do or didn't do, it did not seem to help. CJ has only slept for an hour at a time and then he would fuss or just cry. He would nurse but just briefly before he would turn away and fuss not wanting to latch back on. He didn't seem to want to be held or put down. I felt so helpless to comfort him. He hasn't had a 3-4 hour stretch at night last couple of nights, waking to nurse every 1-2 hours..My emotions are so overwhelming and my day was just full of one good cry after the other.

I had one thing or another just pile up and compound the emotions and stress already running high. Only two hours out of my day I felt normal, my sister Daphne took the time to talk with me and CJ slept during that phone call. I was very grateful for that, it is a great feeling to have your feelings validated, not about being told your right or be agreed with..just to have how you feel be acknowledged right or wrong, Thank you Daphne.

It is now a quarter after 11 and he is finally sleeping. I am not sure how long he will sleep for but I am so overwhelmed and over tired I dont know if at this point I can try and get some sleep. All I can think about is everything that needs to be done tomorrow that at this moment I do not have the energy for.

Usually after a good cry and an honest attempt to feel my feeling I am able to get up and move on. Today it didnt seem to work that way. The relief and peace only lasted temporarily, I am not sure how many good crys I had today and I am sure I will have atleast one more before I fall asleep..or should I say pass out.

As I sit here trying to hold back another good cry I am reminded of a devotional I heard at a choir practice and a song we have sung. We where reminded why it is important to have God's word in your heart. For days like this when you can't even seem to pray for yourself or see the light at the end of the tunnel that just a simple scripture spoken outloud can cause the devil to flee. he said even the shortest scripture would do.. "Jesus Wept"..because it is His word and it is truth. Have scripture in your heart, recall one and just hold on tight during your trial. The scripture that comes to my mind is..

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest...

The song is..When i dont know what to do..
Lord I surrender all
To Your strong and faithful hand
In everything I will give thanks to You
I’ll just trust Your perfect plan
When I don’t know what to do
I’ll lift my hands
When I don’t know what to say
I’ll speak Your praise
When I don’t know where to go
I’ll run to Your throne
When I don’t know what to think
I’ll stand on Your truth
When I don’t know what to do
Lord I surrender all
Though I’ll never understand
All the mysteries around me
I’ll just trust your perfect plan

As I bow my knee
Send Your perfect peace
Send Your perfect peace Lord
As I lift my hands
Let Your healing come
Let Your healing come to me

So whether I am falling asleep or awake and have one good cry after cry with the baby, I will hold onto that scripture and worship this song in my heart and let it minister to me because I know Jesus is with me and cares for me and I trust in His promises of rest and His perfect peace.

Inside and Out,

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