Sometimes you just dont see/feel it..

I sit at my dining table writing my first blog post on my new blog. You can't see it but I am surrounded by chaos of messes. Today I just can not "see" the changes God has made in me. Taking a look around my house tells me, "see you really haven't changed". 3 weeks ago I had a baby, he is number 5. My hubby works two full time jobs and was only able to take 5 days off. Almost every single item we own from dishes to clothing to toys and anything in between is somewhere other then where it actually belongs. my mom was here for two weeks and recovering from a recent surgery herself she did her very best to keep up with the household demands of 7 people..but now she is gone and well..it all fell apart again.

I know, I have heard it, you just had a baby give yourself a break..or you have 5 kids give yourself a break..etc. But how I feel is useless, incapable, not equipped. The problem is I have a hard time seperateing how I feel in my circumstances and choosing my actions regardless. For a long time my emotions have led and my actions follow. If all the stars aren't alligned and everything is not going exactly how I envisioned/planned it, well off to the TV and food I go or off the the bed to sleep("i dont feel well"). Its how I have coped my whole life. However, if everything was perfect and no hiccups I feel great about myself, i am capable of it all, look out Martha Stewart! This is how my life has been, whether its housework, school work, finances, parenting..etc.

On the other hand thoughts of , maybe it's postpartum depression kicking in..I have a history and had a severe case with my second which led to cautionary treatment with medicine for each pregnancy after. However, I declined treatment this time because I just didnt have symptoms present like before during this pregnancy.

Or is it i really don't feel well i need to give myself a break and give myself more time to recover?....

Regardless of how I feel about the house and the old tapes replaying or fear of slipping back into old ways trying to rear its ugly head, everything will get picked up and put away eventually. It always does. I have no anxiety or overwhelming fear that someone will knock on my door and see the house, it is what it is...come on over for some tea..I will ha....i mean you will have to wash your cup first though :P..lol...

So I am going to acknowledge how I feel, talk with my hubby about it and if I am not feeling like I have improved I will talk with my doc at my postpartum check in three weeks..if I have any killer crazy thoughts I will call her asap.

untill then I am going to give myself more time, accept the house as it is day to day, and continue trusting God to help me through this and continue trusting He is changing me on the inside, even if it doesnt look like it from the outside. That is proof alone He is working in me!

...besides..didn't you hear..I just had baby number five 3 weeks ago..give me a break!

Philippians 1:6 (Amplified Bible)

⁶And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.

From the Inside Out..
Chrystal